Sometimes in life things happen that aren't strawberries and marshmallows and sunshine. Sometimes things get bad. Sometimes things get really bad. Sometimes there are a lot of things that are really bad and they all seem to happen at once. And sometimes you deal with it by sort of shutting down, if only for a little bit.
Lately there've been a few things that have happened. To me. To people a care about. And I don't think I dealt very well with any of it. While I didn't lock myself in a dark room and learn to brood in a way that would make Batman proud, I know that internally I didn't think of things the way I should have.
What may have made things worse was that it was only on the inside. I still carried on as normal on the outside. I took myself to a meet up and had fun.
And I felt so incredibly guilty about it.
It was as if all the sudden all the things I enjoyed were so shallow. So frivolous. What right did I have to participate in these things when there was sadness around me? When people were in pain? When I was in pain? I felt useless. Greedy. Superficial.
I stopped writing. I wore my single pair of jeans more than I've worn them in a very long time. I started burying myself in gaming, where I could deal with problems I could face down with button mashing. And then I realized how much better it made me feel. Because I enjoyed it. Because it was fun.
The point of this little self crisis is this: when life is bad, the answer is not to stop living it. And it is certainly not to start feeling guilty for living it. It is those things, those silly, fun, pointless things that everyone enjoys that make life fun. Games to play, books to read, ice cream, sweets, shopping trips, movies, eating out, conventions, meet-ups. Being true to yourself means doing those things that you love. Even the silly ones. Even the ones that seem shallow sometimes. Because you should find a way to enjoy life even when it's bad... especially when it's bad. Because it doesn't last forever.
The bad things, they're there to make the good things better.
And so I did the good things. I dove in and planned two meet ups. I met new friends. I went to movies with my husband and talked about silly things with my friends. I rode a carousel. I learned to make scones that are more than a little awesome and then ate a few too many. I played WoW in my frilly dresses and put my fancy tea in a fancy tea cup.
And I didn't feel guilty at all.